Mommy Marks: Is Your Garden of Life wilting?

How to bring back your garden of life

An actual garden

I am sure this comes as no surprise to you but we are not on this planet for a long time. I assume you plan on making the most of your time on this planet as I know I do as well. After all, once our journey on earth ends we can not take a single materialistic thing or object with us. All we have when it is all said and done are the relationships we formed, the memories we made, and faith. In order to make this journey a positive one it is important to cherish and nurture your relationships; your relationship with your spouse, your children, your extended family, your friends, and with Christ. As the saying goes, anything worth having is worth working hard for and relationships are no exception.

The analogy I like to use is that your relationships are like a vegetable garden that need to be tended. I like this analogy because it is very elementary and children and adults can relate. When you teach your children about gardening you express that the main components that are required in order for your garden to grow are:

1. Soil

2. Water

3. Fertilizer

4. Sunlight

5. Oxygen

The same is true when it comes to tending to your relationships. Relationships do not just happen; there are specific components that need to be conveyed in order for the relationship to flourish. When tending to your garden of life the following components must be present to make it grow:

1. Attention/Undivided Attention

2. Listen

3. Empathy or compassion

4. Forgiveness

5. Christ

When tending to a garden one of the main components is soil. When tending to your relationship one of the main components is attention, your undivided attention. Undivided attention can be a difficult task for some people to undertake. All the latest and greatest technological gadgets seem to complicate and infringe upon your time and manipulate your attention span. Granted, we all have a tendency to become preoccupied with phones, ipad, game systems, etc. The various social networks, facebook, tweeting, etc. only compound the preoccupancy. The irony is many people, including moms, spend so much time on social networks thinking they are nurturing their relationships. While in the meantime, the poor souls who are physically present and trying to spend time with you are being severely neglected. Or worse, have you ever seen those couples out at a restaurant who are both preoccupied with some technological gadget, talk about quality time together!

I am not arguing the fact that technology has provided us with a magnitude of advantages. It has provided us with a magnificent means for which to education our children on the world. There is so much information at our fingertips and when utilized correctly is can be a blessing. However, like everything, moderation is the key, healthy boundaries need to be established and maintained. Parents need to determine and uphold rules regarding screen time. A big rule should be no screens at the dinner table. The dinner table is the perfect opportunity to provide your love ones with your undivided attention, to nurture those relationships. Also, like everything in life, parents need to model appropriate behavior. Parents need to limit their screen time. This might even mean setting a timer because it is easy to get sucked into the Bermuda triangle of technology.

After you have established rules regarding screen time it is so important that you explain why. Express the fact that human interaction is important in order to establish and nurture relationships. Giving someone your undivided attention expresses to that individual that what they have to say is important to you, that they are important to you. After all as moms/parents don’t we want our children to know that they come first not some virtual life?

I fear that if this generation of mothers/parents does not carefully communicate the need for intimate relationships and nurturing those relationships then our children will fall prey to the fictitious cyber world. Not to mention horrible etiquette as well. Have you ever been the victim to the chronic texter? Nothing says you are not important to me faster then the chronic texter.

There is clearly already a huge generation gap with regard to the virtual or cyber world. A great example is the Toyota Venza commercial. It begins with a young girl behind her computer screen. She expresses that she read an article that said that older people are becoming anti-social. She continues to state that her parents only have 19 friends on facebook, while she has over 600 friends on facebook. The irony is while she is narrating this information the visual is of her parents meeting friends and going for a bike ride. All the while she is sitting behind her computer tending to her cyber life.

Ok, so once you have established boundaries with regard to screen time, and have provided your undivided attention, the next component that is necessary for your garden of life to flourish is to listen. While this seems like an easy enough tasks it can actually be difficult to achieve. Have you ever started listening to a person and a particular word or phrase they say strikes a nerve? News flash, this is just as bad as interrupting.

I know it can be difficult trying to override that portion of your brain that wants to hold on to that particular thought but it is important that you do. Think of it this way, letting go of what you were thinking doesn’t mean it disappears. If you are meant to bring up the particular thought in the conversation it will come back to you after you have given the other person the necessary time to finish speaking.

When your mind is preoccupied with other thoughts and you simply reply during the lulls in the conversation with what you assume to be an accurate response the other person knows, you are not fooling anyone. This impulse response is simply another way of not listening and telling the other person that they are not important. This happens a lot between mothers and their children and wives and their husbands. Often moms have so much information coming into their brains that they are on overload. Don’t be afraid to say so, be honest with your children. Tell them that what they have to say is important but mommy needs a few minutes to collect her thoughts. Then after you have cleared you mind and finished any task that might preoccupy you sit down and listen to your child. I have to be honest, I have no idea how you get your husband to listen to you. I am always open to suggestions.

Once you have set aside time, given your undivided attention, and listened to the person who makes up your garden of life the next step is to express compassion or empathy. There is nothing worse than confiding your concerns and fears regarding your life or most inner personal thoughts only to have the individual you are confiding the information to reply with a quick response and an expressionless face. I am not sure if it is due to the influx of various gadgets, social networks, or lack of human interaction in general but face to face people have become rather immune, or rather, awkward when it comes to illustrating compassion. Perhaps it is because we are encouraging individuals away from any interpersonal activity. Think about it, we can now use a self scanner at the grocery store, a self scanner at the library, an automatic teller machine (ATM) at the bank, do online banking, purchase stamps and mail items from your home, and pump your own gas. I suppose the closest we come in contact with people, besides church would be the drive thru. Has all this convenience brought about a generation that is lacking the ability to empathize with people?

When someone shares information about themselves with you it is important that you reply with a response that illustrates empathy. There are the occasions where perhaps you are not certain if you accurately interpreted the individual’s words. When this happens kindly repeat what you thought they were saying. The individual will then either confirm that yes, it was indeed what they were speaking of, or, they will elaborate for clarification. In order to nurture the relationship it is important that you understand their perspective and express the fact that you understand. This does not have to mean that you agree with them, or their thoughts, but that you understand their thoughts. If a clear understanding is not made then miscommunication does occur and can lead to problems down the road. Also, if you do not practice empathizing with others entire relationships will eventually wilt away. So moms/parents take the time to sit down and express what empathy means with your children and practice living a more empathetic life, model the behavior for them.

We have set a strong foundation for this garden to grow but it still requires a few components in order for it to thrive. Like the vegetable garden requires sunlight so does your garden of life. In order to have light for your garden you must practice one of the most difficult actions for some individuals, and the most important action, forgiveness. We have all had something negative happen to us at one time or another. Unfortunately sometimes there are multiple offenses done to us but the key is to forgive. I realize this can be difficult and I am not saying to forget because God knows that can be near impossible. But in order for you to be a positive contribution to your own garden of life you need to remove the resentment in your heart. Once you have released the bitterness and negative thoughts from your mind you will be surprised at how your entire psyche alters. Remove the needs for revenge; remove the grudges in your life, let the positive ions release. You exert so much energy by simply holding onto all the negative stuff that has occurred in your life, let it go. Move on with your life in a more peaceful presence; let the past go, live today. How sad is it when you hear about a person who is so caught up in the happenings of the past that they let their few days, or years, left on this planet become clouded with hate and anger. Choose joy, be the light in your garden of life.

Once you have the soil, water, fertilizer, and light in order there is still a very important component that is required for growth, oxygen. God is the oxygen in your garden of life. When you think you are at your wits end, no one is listening to you, no one empathizes with what you are going through, or perhaps you are trying to help a friend and searching for the right words. God is always listening. Granted the outcome may not be what your initial prayers were but he does have a plan for you. Do not become discouraged but rather provide your undivided attention and listen, he is telling you how to make your garden grow.

Lastly, it is important to note that there will be pest and weeds that enter your garden from time to time. Do not alter your routine, be yourself, continue to provide undivided attention, listen, empathize, and forgive. Either those pests will turn into vegetation in your garden of life or the level of oxygen will determine the outcome. Remember there are little gardeners watching your every move.